I hate myself because I still love him
He was my person and my best friend
I still care about him and I still want whats best for him
And that’s why I hate myself
Tuesday when my world fell apart I just sat there
But I couldn’t deal with us
So I listened and asked him to tell me about them
How they started
What they’ve done
Just them, because I couldn’t deal with us
I didn’t want to become angry and petty and vindictive
So I tried to be the bigger person and just listen
I hate myself because I wanted him to say he was proud of me
Of how I handling all of this
I wanted him to be proud of me
And that’s why I hate myself
I was still seeking his approval, even through the betrayal
Than after a night of crying and not knowing what to do
Wednesday morning I got out of bed and showered
I broke down in the shower
And then it hit me
I needed to see her
I needed her to look me in the eye and tell me that they were real
So I went to her office
I waited patiently to see her
I would have waited the whole day
I hate myself because I wanted him to see me be good and quiet and accepting
I sat there, I didn’t confront her, I just asked her
I asked her if she will forsake everything for him
And that’s why I hate myself
I was still thinking about him
I wasn’t even thinking about myself
He tried to manage and handle everything to suit him
He wanted all his affairs to be in order for himself and not me
He just wanted to leave me out in the cold and dark with nothing
I wanted her to look me in the eye and tell me she will choose him regardless
Regardless if she loses her license
Regardless if she loses her children
Regardless if she loses everything
Would she still choose him
she claims yes and claims she has already lost everything
Internally I was like bullshit, but externally I told her, oh no you can lose so much more
She still claims yes she will choose him
I hate myself because I wanted him to be there and see me accept it
I wasn’t confrontational, I wasn’t vindictive, I wasn’t angry
And I wanted him to see me and be proud of me
And that’s why I hate myself
I changed myself for him
I made myself a better person for him
Less angry, less volatile
I didn’t use him as an emotional punching bag anymore
I stopped taking care of myself for him
I let myself go
So he wasn’t so insecure about being with someone “out of his league” as he liked to put it
I did it all for him
And he had the audacity to claim I haven’t changed at all from 9 years ago
That was one of the worse moments
It means he never really saw me for me anymore
He wasn’t even paying attention to me anymore
Another horrible moment is that everyone has known for months
They all knew
They all sat on the sidelines and watched like it was a show
No one told him to end it with me
No one told him to just let me go
And I was the last person to know
That just shows the utter lack of respect he had for me
And that our time really was worthless to him and didn’t mean anything
I was the last person to know