I know everyone means well, and I don’t begrudge them of trying to help me…
but I need time and distance
Because even though he played a larger role in the end of everything
I will still blame myself
I will always take the burden upon myself
I will always know it was all my fault
Because I’m currently in that sick twisted place where I didn’t do enough
I wasn’t enough
I didn’t give enough
And even though on some level I know it isn’t true
It’s my truth right now
And it’s all my fault
It’s my fault because I let him in to my life
It’s my fault because I changed myself to become a better person for him
It’s my fault that I gave up everything else for him
Because I chose him
I woke up every morning choosing him
And it’s also my fault, because maybe it was to easy for me to love him
To easy for me to choose him
Because I let him in to my life I committed my life to him
Was it wrong that it was all so easy for me, to give him almost 9 years of my life
Some people have commented its because we never got married
But I never believed I needed a simple piece of paper to prove we were together
To me we were a team
We were together
We were building a life together and that was stronger than any piece of paper
I never needed that from him
But then to let him make me so weak and pathetic and hate myself
Because I love him, oh god I still love him even right at this minute
But I can’t love him, because he isn’t mine anymore
And I hate him, but I don’t really hate him, because I love him
Did I let myself get complacent? Because I was to happy and comfortable, that I wasn’t weary of anyone else, I wasn’t weary of the people who came in to his life
I hate him because I can never be me again
Even in the last few months he still told me he loved me, that I was beautiful, that I was amazing and that he was lucky to have me in his life
If he can say all that to my face but still go behind my back and be with someone else, why wouldn’t I be broken and shattered
My self confidence is gone, if the most important person in your life told you all of that for 9 years and could still leave you for someone else, of course you wouldn’t believe any of it anymore
because for him to leave me means I’m ugly, I’m a horrible excuse of a human and him having me in his life was a painful excruciating experience that he didn’t want to be in
Sure he can tell me fluffy lies that I’ll find someone else better for me
That’s his form of compensation
But to me, there were signs and prompting spiritually that I either work it out and work through everything with him or I will never have that person again
And I’m not saying it to be dramatic, or spiteful or to hurt anyone
It’s just the plain truth
Sure I may be with someone again someday
But I will never let myself be that vulnerable and let someone else in that much
Because now I’m broken
And if he could do this to me
Than everyone else can as well
I only ever asked him for three things from the begginning:
- Absolute and total honesty
- No affairs, if you want to have an affair or if you want to see someone else tell me before anything happens
- No drugs and no smoking
He could have left me before he started anything with her
But he didn’t
He could have told me the moment he knew they had a connection from day one in September 2017
But he didn’t
He could have told me in August 2018 when they couldn’t deny their feelings and emotions anymore
But he didn’t
He could have told me in September 2018 when he secretly flew back to Singapore to see her for 10 days
But he didn’t
He could have told me as I lived his life in his family from October to November 2018
Holding his grandmother, being there for her, sleeping every night on the floor just to make sure she didn’t die alone, letting her die knowing she was loved and cared for
But he didn’t
He let her turn him into his father, the affairs, the sneaking, the hiding, the lies
We had spent the last 8 years together building him up to be a better man and not become his father
And in just one easy second he rolled in to bed with her forsaking everything