Day 40
Honest moment…
I wish I was dead.
He broke me, and I mean he really broke me.
I have good days where I can laugh and joke, but majority of the time and the days when I’m alone, they’re dark, it’s an unending bottomless pit of pain and sorrow, where I wish everything was over.
I stand at the edge and know it would be easier and he would be happier if I stepped off. But I make the hard choice and beg my friends to distract me.
They can distract me for a while, but they all admit that what he has done is far from normal, fair or right and completely outside their depth of advice.
I’m so broken, food doesn’t interest me, I eat maybe one meal a day. But that’s so I can drink, and I drink to forget and to sleep, because if I don’t drink, then I have dreams and nightmares about him, about us, about our past or about our future. Or interrupted sleep, where I wake up every 30 minutes or so, or some nights I can’t even sleep.
I have multiple daily panic attacks, I have never had panic attacks in my whole life before. And everything triggers them, because he’s connected to everything.
I wake up every morning and sob in the shower and brush my teeth twice because my stomach throws up whatever it has.
Then there’s also the realistic pain that i will never be Ok or ever be me again. I will be a version or shadow of myself, but I will never be a trusting, carefree or confident person again.
I will always exist, but never really freely live again.
And he and I both know the truth, regardless of how much he may try to deny it to ease his own guilt.
I have my purpose in life, but he and I both know that I will always have to walk that path alone now. I will never have a partner again, I’m not being melodramatic, he knows its the truth.
He was my one chance at true happiness, true love and true acceptance. And he knows it in his heart.
I believe that we were extraordinary together, better than being ordinary apart.
He claims he’s still my best friend, but he isn’t even trying to be my friend.
He let her completely change him in the worst ways possible.
That sweet, conscientious, lovable, caring and kind 15 year old boy is dead and gone, our connected strings of fate severed.
All he does is lie now, everything word he says to me is a lie.